If I work enough, I won’t need a sex life
This is not a manifesto but it is the truth for many single women. A truth that’s hard to change
By Hattie Butterworth
Most avoidant single women have one thing in common: we love to work.
The dopamine of deadlines, pushing, creative firefighting and being ecstatically busy leaves little room for intimacy. And when the deadlines are done and the time in between pulses its hollow beat, we begin to mourn the lack of sex in our life. As if the work had satisfied us sexually until it was over and we could no longer ignore the hole.
So we look to satisfy this hole with short-term romantic and sexual connections via online dating apps. But as soon as something starts to emerge, a new period of work begins and it feels easier to shut it down. To ghost, to ignore and to return to the familiar lure of a solitary grind. Something to fill time, create purpose and the most perfect distraction from what’s lacking.
What does work give? An ability to be lost in somewhere you feel useful, purposeful and creative. If I’m too busy with work, how could I possibly feel the absence of intimacy or the pangs of loneliness? And if years of being single have lead to years of using work in this way, it can feel like something very hard to lose to the fickle temptation of others. The hum of commitment is about as unnerving as we can possibly imagine. What if my independence is compromised?
So masturbation and sex toys are our trusty companions. A way to meet a need without the pain of committing to someone, or realising how selfish we truly are. For those evenings of lack, in between work, we make it through this way and wake up to our quiet morning routines feeling quite relieved.
The days without work are a nice break from the relationship but they often end up with us feeling like we aren’t quite as cool or free as other people we know. We look up solo polyamory, sex parties and swipe on Hinge for anyone who looks similarly non-committal. But it all seems like too much effort and admin and we do enough of that already. Besides, are these kind of connections really what we want?
I’m not looking for a life partner because I have found mine. Fulfilled by the work I create and the connections I build. I have made work my social life, my entertainment and my relationship. Any romantic or sexual relationships that feel meaningful have tended to come out of the marriage to my job. As if part of the allure of the person is that they allow me to keep on working. To remain tethered to my industry – my great love.