by Georgia Dawson

I’m on my way to a student, having a panic attack over something that triggered me in another student’s lesson. I really just want to go home but I haven’t given their parent any pre-warning that they won’t have a lesson, as of course I didn’t pre-emptively plan this. I’m deciding whether to go to this lesson, masking my mental state tons so I can be the falsely extroverted creature my students expect as part of their routine (regardless of the emotional backflips my own brain is doing), or to go home to my partner, sofa and dinner.

I feel awful when I can’t be what my students have come to expect as part of their week. Something that’s important for young humans – consistency. But that means I can’t listen to my brain’s wants at times when I really should. Holding emotions down, or trying to process them somewhat healthily while keeping working, can be incredibly draining.

Freelancing often means taking what’s available when it’s available (most freelancers struggle with the word no!) and this means I often blatantly ignore my own fluctuating capacities. I end up using all my available energy at work, regardless of whether I had the energy to begin with. I have to force myself through, ending up entirely spaced out and extra compulsive on the journeys between work or when I reach home.

“Creating boundaries of what I can and can’t manage, properly congratulating myself on achievements, making the call of when to stop for the day, turning off my phone, taking days off and allowing someone else to take over when I’m unwell are not additional extras. ”

When forcing to mask my anxiety for work is impossible or I’m in the depths of a depressive episode, I’m letting down people I’ve told I had space to uphold time for. When I have the energy for work, but little else, I unfortunately end up letting down those I love and tasks for them, for which I hold free any of my “spare time”. But my available time doesn’t correlate with my available mental space and my expectations of what I can manage don’t always align with what my brain does! This is especially true when surprises occur - an elongated rehearsal, an off day playing wise, a colleague being difficult, a grumpy parent, a crying kid. Flexibility is a necessity.

Being self-employed also often means your supervisor who could advise you, or take over if needed, is non-existent (you’re your own boss!). So, while my anxiety tells me I can’t let anyone down, and OCD tells me to plan everything and be on time for everything, I need to find a way to tell myself no (as well as some clients…).

Creating boundaries of what I can and can’t manage, properly congratulating myself on achievements, making the call of when to stop for the day, turning off my phone, taking days off and allowing someone else to take over when I’m unwell are not additional extras. They’re the bare necessities for making this career style work, not just for my jobs, but for myself.